Prams and the expensive price tags they come with

You can buy a car for the price of a buggy these days, so my partner keeps reminding me everytime I walk over to look at the prams when I go into any shop that sells baby stuff. It’s like a magnet, I get distracted and off I go for a look. I don’t need to buy another one for my daughter, she has one, but the one she has is bulky, so I want a nice easy folding one.

The pram I had for my son was an iCandy, absolutely lovely to look at, easy to push, good basket space, but one problem I seemed to have, was my son looked huge in it! I remember testing it out and falling in love with it, as I mentioned honestly the only problem I had with it was it just didn’t last. I had expected it too last until he was atleast 2, he was out it just before he turned 1. Now yes fair enough he was quite tall, but still he wasn’t huge! Now it all comes separately unfortunately, so you buy the frame and the seat unit together, the carrycot is separate, and then you’ll probably want to get the car seat adapters so you can put the car seat onto the buggy, and then you might even want to purchase the cosytoes. If I remember correctly we spent just over £1100 for it all, very expensive! It was honestly so stunning though, we had it in the colour blackjack, and honestly, if your child isnt on the tall side I’d say it would be a good purchase.

Second time around, we went for the bugaboo cam 3, and I love it! We got it in the light blue colour, and it’s perfect. Apart from being a little bulky, and on the heavy side so it’s a challenge trying to get it up and down the stairs, but that’s honestly my only complaint. My little girl looks like she’s got lots of room left in it, she looks super comfy in it, and we just really like it. Obviously the only thing I would change is that it could fold down in one, because it’s a bit of a pain if I’m on a bus having to take it all apart to fold, so I’d much rather just get off the bus than try and fold it, but never mind, we can forgive it for that! We got a good deal when getting this one, as we got the car seat with it so saved over £100! We then just bought the car seat adapters and cosytoes and it was all worth the money. Again it came with a similar price tag of the iCandy, which is no surprise as they are pretty big competitors.

The pram I keep looking at now though is another bugaboo, the bugaboo bee5, there is just something about it that I love! And if my partner would say it’s ok to get one that expensive I so would! More than likely though we are going to get a baby jogger city, or a silvercross pop. Something that is way cheaper, and is only to be used when going on the bus, because honestly, nothing can beat my bugaboo. So it’s worth spending the money on a decent pram, as they can last years, and make the babies look comfortable, and are easy to push! They also look really good, I get lots of compliments on it! I’d recommend going and having a push in the shop before you buy, just so you know that you enjoy pushing it and like the look off it! ⭐️

A letter to my first born

To my beautiful son

You are about to start school so very soon, but looking at you, you don’t look big enough. I’m not quite sure I want you to up and leave for more than a few hours a day, 5 days a week. It feels like just yesterday I held you in my arms for the first time, when I looked into those beautiful blue eyes and fell in love instantly. I remember the first time you rolled over, the first time you sat up, the first word, the first steps, all those firsts I remember so very clearly. Now you don’t just walk, you run, skip, jump, you walk off in front of me with your friends, you don’t stay by my side anymore. You happily run off and play without turning around to look at me. You talk non stop, every minute off the day, I remember when you would barely talk atal, and now I can’t get you to stop.

I remember those first few days off nursery, when I had to leave you, and I looked in through the window and seen you standing by yourself, looking ever so scared, and my heart broke and all I wanted was to go and give you the biggest hug, and now I look at you running off to find your friends. I don’t know where the time has went, how I went from having my shy little boy, to my very confident 5 year old, who has an attitude of a teenager and boy do I know it. Everyday I’m proud of you, proud of the person you are becoming.

I remember introducing you to your sister, the look on your face when you walked into the room, this was the first time you had ever seen mummy getting cuddles from another small person, I was so scared for you, I didn’t want you to feel jealous, you jumped onto the chair next to the bed though, held out your hands so you could be passed her, you looked at her and smiled, then looked at me and said mummy she’s beautiful, she’s my little darling, and that’s when I knew that this little girl was the luckiest little girl, because she has you as a brother.

Getting ready to send you off, into the world of school, I can only pray that it goes smoothly, you enjoy every second of it, and do your best. I won’t put pressure on you, I will simply encourage you, and just by doing that I know, that you will always try your hardest. The day I drop you off for your first day, I will have to keep it together, but trust me, emotionally, I’m not ready to see you look that grown up yet, in your school jumper, and trousers, with your bag on, I will be one proud mummy though, and I’ll try to hold it together, atleast until you can’t see me anymore.

You make me more and more proud everyday, and I’m thankful your my son. You are the sweetest little boy, who has the biggest heart, and I know you will do great in school. I love you to the moon and back⭐️

More babies..

If you had asked me 2 years ago how many kids I would like, I would of said atleast 5, now I’m not sure if I’ll ever have anymore. Mainly because post natal depression and anxiety has scared me, it’s scared me to ever feel this way again, and I know the chances of it coming back again are slightly more increased since I’ve been through it once before. I know it’s not a guarantee that it will come back, so I shouldn’t let it put me off, but honestly, even if it was only a 1% chance, that is still too much for me.

I hate to say it, but it feels like if I don’t have another, it means I let that demon win, so of course, I do want another one. And chances are if all goes ok, I will get to have another with the man I love. I will get to give the kids another sibling, and next time, I hope to show my partner how good I am with newborns, that I’m not just someone that has no energy and doesn’t want to move, that I can find the fun in watching a baby learn new things. I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy watching my daughter do all off this, but I do feel that I wasn’t in the best head space so it wasn’t as enjoyable as it should of been. I want to enjoy those early days again, the first year goes so fast, so if I ever have another I want to be in the best place I can be too enjoy every moment of those early days, like I did with my son.

When im mentally in a better place, as I still do have anxiety, and some days I do still feel drained, I hope to be able to turn around to my partner, and say, I’m ready, I’m ready to try for another one. When I do feel ready it will be a scary time, and I’m sure if I manage to get pregnant again, in the run up to labour, the nerves will start kicking in, and I’ll probably start overthinking everything. This time though, I’ll know the signs, I’ll know not to put off getting help, and I won’t let it beat me if it happens again, I will win.

Will I be ready anytime soon though? I didn’t want a big age gap between my children, I was hoping for 2 year, which means really, in a few months I would need to start trying again, I’m not sure I’ll be ready then, but what I might do, is just take it easy and it will happen when it’s supposed to happen. That’s something I truly believe, when the time is right, that’s when it will happen for you, if that’s in a few months, great, if that’s in a year great. I don’t want to put my body through anymore stress than is needed, so I’ll let my body take the lead, I won’t stress myself out with checking when I’m meant to be ovulating or anything like that.

So one day, I hope to be a mother of 3, will I have anymore than that? Well we will have to see how I get on with another 1 first, and if all goes well, well then never say never. All I do know is, right now I have 2 amazing children, and after a rough year, I feel I have some making up to do to them, to be the mother I was before depression happened to me, to love them every second of the day and to show them that I am so thankful that I get to call them my children, as during the worst of it all, I thought they deserved so much better, but now, I feel like I’m back to being the mother I always wanted to be⭐️⭐️⭐️

There is someone out there for everyone

I do believe that everyone has that special someone out there, the one that will show them exactly why it didn’t work out with everybody else. For me to end up with that person though, I was first with my little boys father, and that relationship wasn’t the best. I always thought that someone you had a kid with would love and appreciate you when your together, but I wasn’t appreciated atal, I was treated like dirt, spoke to like I didn’t matter and made to feel like I was nothing.

Honestly, I lost all confidence I had, he called me names, and I believed what he would say, he broke me as a person. And to make it worse I never left, through any of this I stuck by his side, I had wanted the perfect family life, and I knew by leaving I would have that, so I stayed, until eventually, the only option I had was to leave. He had been seeing somebody else, I was devastated, but I knew then that I didn’t deserve any of this. So I packed up our stuff and left the moment I found out, this took courage as he begged me to stay, but I couldn’t, I deserved more.

It was hard at first, it was hard trying to accept compliments again, and when I got asked to meet my now partner, I so very nearly said no, but I’m glad I didn’t! It was scary, as I knew that whoever I ended up with was not only going to be in my life, but was also becoming a part of my family, my son would have too like this person too! So I met my partner first, made sure it was what I was looking for, and after a few months I introduced him too my son, at first my son was very shy, hid behind me and I honestly thought this isn’t going too work, but I gave it one more chance, and this time, my son came out his shell, this day, was the day I knew that I had found the man for me, watching them play football together, laugh and chase each other was everything I had dreamed about.

After that day we made it official, and that day is still one of my favourite days, finding a man that loves my son, even when he doesn’t have too, is the best thing in the world. He plays with him after a long day at work, reads books to him, helps him with his homework and does all the things a dad would do, except we make sure my son knows that he’s his best friend, because my sons dad is very much involved in his life, and thankfully, we all get on pretty well and coparent easily.

Everybody can find love, but first you have to learn to love yourself. You will more than likely meet the person of your dreams when you are least looking also, once I learned to build my confidence up again, and was happy looking in the mirror, he came in to help show me, that everything my ex said to me wasn’t true. So stop looking for the right one, and they will come to you⭐️⭐️

Trying to conceive

Trying to fall pregnant with my youngest child wasn’t a walk in the park, and if anything it nearly ruined my relationship with my partner. You feel as though your body is failing you, it isn’t doing what you want it to do, and then you feel guilty for your partner because you know how desperate they are too be a dad, and how good a dad they would be. It makes you go a bit crazy aswel, I became so obsessed with spending ridiculous amounts on pregnancy tests, testing from as early as 5 dpo, holding the test up in different lights desperately trying to see if I could see something, anything. I’d even break the tests open to have a better look, and month after month my period would come.

I began to wonder what we were doing wrong, was it me, was it him? Did one of us have a problem? I started taking my anger out on my partner, putting the blame on him, even though it was more than likely my fault for putting so much stress on myself. My period would start turning up a week late, which was cruel in a way because it had me believing that I must be pregnant, and I never was. It got to the point when sex wasn’t enjoyable, it felt like a chore, I would say to him my app says I’m ovulating, we better have sex. Now that’s no fun is it?

Now after 6 months I felt defeated by it all, and I know 6 months doesn’t sound that long, but when you are going through it it feels like a lifetime. We continued trying for a further 3 month, when we got offered a house. So I said ok, that’s us done for now, we can retry when we are all settled in the house. So we went on holiday the month before we were to get the keys, we didn’t have sex atal that month apart from one time, and that month as usual, my period was a week late, so I said to my partner I’ll just use this last test just so I can relax and get it out my mind. Low and behold, positive, I thought this is wrong it’s got to be, it’s just a cheap eBay test, so I ran to the shop without telling my partner any of this bought any other one, positive again. So I told him and we just hugged each other, he was crying, I was crying and it just didn’t feel real atal.

I honestly put it all down to the stress of trying, the stress I was putting myself through, all the googling and reading symptoms. I would tell myself I felt every symptom that google said I had for early pregnancy, but it was all in my head. Your mind can play tricks on you, and when it does that when it’s something you want so badly, it kind of begins to defeat you and makes you want to stop trying. When we took the pressure out of it, decided to no longer try, I fell pregnant. Strange that one, it was the perfect surprise for us, we gave up trying and then got given everything we had ever wanted together. 9 long months of trying, and 9 long months of growing our baby, if you aren’t one of the lucky ones that get pregnant just from your partner looking at you, never give up hope, relax and don’t put pressure on yourself and hopefully one day, for you too, you will get your dream baby. I am worried for when and if we decide we want another one, what if it’s the same again? With my mental health not at the best I feel it could break me even more, so it puts me off wanting to try, but I can’t let that stop me as all I want is a family with that man I call my partner

Thanks⭐️Xx

When miscarriage becomes dangerous

IMG_2286Now this is something a little different for my blog, not my usual anxiety/depression kinda posts, but as I said this will also be about parenting, and unfortunately me trying to get to this whole ‘parent’ business wasn’t an easy one for me. So we have to take it back to 2009 for this story, when I was the young age of 17, and I found out I was pregnant which was a pretty big shock, but once I got around to the idea I became excited. Now I found out pretty late, so the scan was creeping up pretty quickly, but, a week before I was due to go for my 12 week scan, I started bleeding, now me being so young at the time I suppose I thought it would be ok, and that it was probably nothing. Obviously I was wrong, and getting told that the baby had no heartbeat was devastating. Now me being young I got shown no sympathy, and basically got given a leaflet and that was that, nothing else was said, I left heartbroken and they acted like it was nothing, when to me at the time it was everything.

So 2 days after I got told the bleeding had pretty much stopped, I thought great that wasn’t bad atal, surprisingly pretty easy, boy was I in for a shock! That night, the bleeding started again, except when it started I was sleeping, and when I woke up I remember thinking what’s going on, why am I wet? Thinking god have a wee’d myself in my sleep? When I stood up though I realised, that blood would not stop pouring out, it kept coming and coming, I screamed for my mum who came rushing through and seen the puddle off blood all over the floor, she got on the phone to the hospital who told me to get up right away.

When we arrived they sat me in the bed, got me to undress and decided one way to try and stop this would be to see if they could pull anything out of me, sorry for the tmi but I’m all for being honest. No surprise when it still kept coming, so my only option left was a d&c, the one thing I begged not to have, but I was told it’s either that, or we wait it out and risk me needing a blood transfusion as I had already lost close to a litre of blood. So yes I had to go in for the operation, which ended up worrying my mum and partner because I was only meant to be away for 30-45 mins, I was away for an hour and a half. They spoke to my mum, and I’m still not sure why it took longer than it was meant to, and I’m kind of glad I don’t. At the age of 17 I can say that was honestly such a scary experience, one I’ll never forget for aslong as I live. That though, made me long to be a mother, I got so excited about the fact that I was going to be a mum, that when I had it taken away from me it made me desperately want one, but something I’ve learned along the way of trying to become a mother, that for me anyway, when your trying, it never happens. Both my little ray of sunshines liked to surprise me when I was least expecting it.

⭐️Xx

Anxiety symptoms

Now, when I first had a panic attack, I had the normal heart palpitation symptom, which is the one symptom I knew about, but as the days went by and I was having them every day, I started experiencing other symptoms, which made me believe that I had some terrible disease because surely having anxiety couldn’t ever give anyone these horrible symptoms? I now know that it was normal, but at the time it was so scary.

My symptoms varied everytime I would experience a panic attack, but not only that but sometimes some of these symptoms never went away, one of those being I felt I couldn’t breathe properly, so every 10-15 seconds I would need to take a deep breath, like to tell myself like your ok stop worrying but it just never helped. Symptoms I felt just when I experienced a panic attack though, was the sweats, heart palpitations, my legs would go like jelly, I would feel dizzy, my eyesight would go blurry, and numbness, in my fingers mostly.

Now what I never would recommend is googling any of these things, because the majority of the time, google told me I had a terrible disease and had a few months to live. Me being me, would panic even more after that, and end up at the doctors asking for blood tests because I just couldn’t accept them telling me that it was just anxiety, it was nothing more than that. I needed it written down on paper that it wasn’t anything more serious.

I know all too well how scary these symptoms can be, and I know how easy it is to panic even more while experiencing these symptoms, one thing that helped me was getting an adult colouring in book, and whenever I started feeling anxious, I would get that out, take myself into the room, and colour in. If I wasn’t in the house when I started feeling anxious, I would go on my Sam app, which is honestly amazing and I recommend for anyone going through this. It will get better, it might not go away, but it can get better!

Last thing I want to say, is I made a Facebook page, just under motherhoodandus and I’d appreciate if you would go and give it a like, or follow me on instagram which is also motherhoodandus, thanks⭐️⭐️⭐️

Having to turn to medication, exactly what I didn’t want

So, the dreaded medication word, how could someone need medication to help the mind get better, I really don’t know, but that is something I know all about now. Now supposedly my anxiety was brought on my by post natal depression, so I had to battle through both of them, great I thought, how was I going to do this? The first thing I did was hide away, which obviously did not work and it was a terrible thing to do, I went on to not enjoy my birthday, and just not enjoy little things that I usually would have. So when I finally admitted defeat and got myself some medication I was so scared, I didn’t take them at first, I thought it was a great idea to go on to read all about the side effects and other people’s experiences.

Everybody is different though, no two people are the same, what works for one night not work for another, so I had to suck it up, and get it done. I started on a low dose of 20mg, and since I had read up on all the side effects of paroxetine I honestly made myself believe I was experience them, sickness/headache, feeling dizzy, sweating, the shakes, the lot! And that first night was horrendous, and I said to Craig nope that’s it I’m not taking it it’s not going to help, that next again day though I had a horrific panic attack, and I realised that I had too, not only for myself, but for my kids.

So I started all over again on the Monday, and I took the tablet, and to my surprise, nothing, not a thing, I felt fine, sure I felt a little more anxious but I believe that was cause I was stressing myself out so much about possible experiencing these side effects. Now 20mg wasn’t high enough for me, it didn’t do anything, I was still pretty anxious, so off I went back to the doctors, and they upped it to 30mg, now I couldn’t go too high due to the fact I was breastfeeding, that’s also a reason I just didn’t want to start on the medication, because what I take will be realised into my breastmilk, thankfully though it isn’t enough to do any harm. 30 mg also didn’t really do anything, so I had to up it once more to 40mg, and after a month, I seen a light at the end of a pretty dark tunnel.

I stopped crying everyday, I stopped wanting to spend every moment in the house, I stopped wanting everybody else to do everything for me and started to take control of my life. I thankfully didn’t experience any horrible side effects, and it’s working pretty well with my body, am I anxiety free? No I’m not, I still have days when I’m anxious, but nowhere near as bad as I was, and that is enough to make me push on for now. Do I want to live everyday with this horrible anxious feeling over me? No, so hopefully one day it will be gone, but for right now it’s here, but I won’t let it beat me. I will win this battle, and if that’s with medication then so be it.

⭐️Xx

When your thoughts in your head become too much..

Now just like in my last post, I want you to imagine that the only thoughts you had, weren’t nice ones, they were just horrible and not normal thoughts. That everything you once thought about, are things you can’t even remember anymore, because all you have is what I can only describe is a dark cloud, that wouldn’t budge. Can you imagine trying to be the parent you always thought you would be, while feeling anything but happy? Anything but positive? I didn’t recognise myself, who was this person? I wasn’t one to cry, yet I found myself crying everyday, I wasn’t one to let the stress of life get on top of me, I was always so positive, and yet this person that I seen standing in front of the mirror, just wasn’t the person I knew anymore, and that, was truly devastating.

Now I would love to say that as soon as I started feeling this way I went to get help, because I didn’t. That’s the thing with the anxiety I had, I wasn’t going to take medication, what if I had a reaction to it and something bad happened to me? No I couldn’t let that happen! Counselling? Yeah sure I could give that a try, but I knew I was in too deep for that to help me. It got to the point, where my mum phoned the doctor, and asked for an emergency appointment and dragged me up to the doctors, I cried telling the doctor the thoughts I had, how I felt like I had a terrible illness and I must of been dying. I told her of all the physical symptoms I would get, and I also told her that’s how I knew it wasn’t just anxiety. Her reply was almost comforting, she reassured me that while it might seem anxiety couldn’t do that to you, that it really can, and that everything I was describing to her was normal. I questioned how I could be sleeping, and wake up in the middle of the night and have a panic attack literally the moment my eyes opened? And she said it’s more than likely all to do with stress, so they sent me away with leaflets, a website to go on, and an app to download to use when I experienced a panic attack. And I also got given the one thing that scared me, how was she about to give me medication when I told her how scared it made me even thinking about taking them? I got given sertraline, and was meant to start it that day, did I? No I just refused to take it, I pretended to everyone I was, but I was just flushing them down the toilet.

Now I better mention that this all started in May, by this point it was august, so I went a good few months just suffering, and when I say I was suffering I really was, nothing was enjoyable anymore, I would not leave the house myself, and if I did it took me a very long time to actually get ready and leave the house, because I just didn’t see the point in anything anymore. I was always waiting, waiting for the next horrible thought, waiting for the next symptom, waiting for the next bad thing to happen, when one night, my worst nightmare happened. I can only describe this panic attack as the worst one I’ve ever experienced, at first I got this strange buzzing sound in my ear, then I could feel my heart pounding so fast, my fingers went numb and I couldn’t see, I shouted my partner and said help me I can’t see, my partner phoned for an emergency doctor to come out, now this lasted 10 minutes, 10 minutes of me crying from fear, sweating but shaking at the same time, by the time the doctor got to me, I kind of just wanted him to say you need to come to hospital to be monitored, because I thought that it was going to happen again, and I remember that night so well, it was horrific, and was by far one of the worst nights throughout my whole ordeal. Thankfully, that never happened again, but I still would have panic attacks frequently, and I phoned my mum one day telling her I couldn’t do this anymore, this isn’t the life I wanted, I needed help and the only way I felt I could ever get better would be to go and get professional help, now some may say that’s drastic, and I know it was, but at the time my thoughts were so horrid I was contemplating running away from everything. Now I never questioned my love for my kids, nor did I ever want to hurt them, which I think is something some people still believe you must be thinking if you are suffering with post natal depression, but honestly I never had that thought.

Now in october I decided enough was enough, if I wanted to get out of this, if I wanted to be the best parent I could be, I needed to get the help I so desperately required. So I admitted defeat, took myself back to the doctors and told the truth, they prescribed me paroxetine, 20mg to start with, and I started my journey of relying on an anti depressant to help me get on with my life, did it help me right away? No, am I completely panic attack free? No, but what I can do is get through my day so much better, now I want to do a whole other blog post on my experience with this tablet, any symptoms I may have experienced, and how I’m getting on with it. I was so scared to take it, and after reading so many negative posts about it I almost didn’t take it.

So look out for that post,

thanks for reading⭐️Xx

How my battle with mental health started..

Now I want you to imagine something, imagine waiting so long for something you’ve wanted for a long time, a baby with the one you love, you want to make that man a father, you want to show him how good you are with newborns, how much patience you have, how amazing you know your son is going to be at becoming a big brother. And now I want you to imagine that that one thing, that you wanted so badly just didn’t go to plan, it wasn’t all you had dreamed off, yes your child was absolutely stunning, and yes your little boy was the best big brother, but something just didn’t feel right, and that thing was you.

I settled into parenting so easy the first time around, I constantly had a smile on my face, went out to show him off at every opportunity, so why wasn’t I feeling this way this time? I hid away, I stayed in the same spot all day, everyday only moving when I had too, I didn’t fail the post natal depression test(which is purely because I lied about how I was feeling because I just thought it was in my head) people kept suggesting it to me and I was insulted, I thought are you trying to tell me you think I’m failing?! Truth is, I knew I was, I knew I was nowhere near being the mother I wanted to be, my son was missing nursery because I had the strangest thoughts in my head, what if a car run us over? I wasn’t going to let that happen, so I stayed in, if we are in the house nobody can hurt us. Then I started thinking about what would happen if I died in the house and the kids were by themselves all day until somebody realised something wasn’t right, what would they do? How would my son look after this baby? I’m not joking when I say these are the thoughts I had, and I questioned my sanity, I thought I would have to go to a mental hospital to get better because I knew myself this just wasn’t right.

I would be on the phone to my mum telling her I couldn’t breath, that I was going to faint cause I felt dizzy, that I had a brain tumour cause of pain in my head. What I didn’t realise was, I had a form of anxiety, health anxiety, which is when all you do is overthink every symptom you have, a sore leg? Well I must have a blood clot, sore head? Tumour, the thoughts that went through my head I knew weren’t normal, but the more I tried to tell myself nothing was wrong, the more I didn’t believe it. It got to the point I was crying everyday, my partner didn’t want to leave the kids with me, and I felt like I had failed. What was the point in all this? How can my life go from being everything I ever wished for, to something so terrible? I had the man of my dreams, my beautiful son from a previous relationship, and now our beautiful child, and yet I wasn’t happy. All I kept thinking was I’m so selfish, I have something only some people can dream about, I can get pregnant, I can have a child, and yet I’m not appreciating every moment of this. That was and is still devastating to this moment, I won’t ever forget that first year, obviously I have so much more to say on how I got diagnosed, and how I got myself on the road to recovery, I could write about what I’ve went through for hours, I feel I’ve been tested in so many ways during the hardest time of my life. My next post I will go into how I realised that enough was enough, and how I realised I needed help and I needed help fast.

Thanks for reading xx