Why I’ve been a little quiet

So it was decided, for reasons that I cannot go into right now, that it was time to start coming off the one thing that’s been keeping me sane the past 8 month, the tablets that made everything seem just a title bit better. This has made me feel very anxious, and not very happy atal, it has also been decided that if I can’t cope without these tablets, that they will try to move me onto other ones.

Now that is not good, can you imagine needing tablets to make you feel happy, to make you not feel anxious every minute of the day? Why can’t I just be a human, who doesn’t need tablets to make my days a little brighter, I was fine before post natal depression took control over me, I was happy, was barely anxious and never had weird or unwanted thoughts, and not it seems that my mind will never be the same again. What has happened in the past year that has managed to ruin me so badly, how have I let this mental illness win? That’s what it feels like, like I have gave this illness the chance to ruin me as a person, to take control over me.

So far, I feel I am going to need to go onto another tablet, as I just don’t feel like me. I have never felt like the old me since this has took over me, but I 100% have felt somewhat like the old me since the tablets began to help, and I don’t want to lose what I’ve managed to get back. I want to say that it’s all gonna be good for me, and I can live a life without needing medication, but I just don’t think that’s going to be the case for me, I do however hope, that in time, I will be able to be on a low dose of tablets, and if that’s what I’m going to need to function, then I’m ok with that, I would rather be able to function and be the parent I want to be, than be back in that terrible state I found myself in this time last year.

What ive found is, it’s 100% ok to not be ok, life is hard, we go through things that test us, 2017 was meant to be a good year for me, but in march I lost my dad, and I am still relying on tablets for happiness. All I can do is try my best to not let this ruin me anymore, i am in charge of my life, and I will make my own happiness⭐️

Labour the 1st time around

So with my first labour, I was 19 years old, and I wasn’t very worried about labour just for the pure fact that I didn’t actually think about it. I had to go up to hospital when I was 38 weeks pregnant as I had some bleeding and reduced movements, so up I went and had a pretty long weight, but eventually I got seen and got put on the trace, where it showed that his heartbeat was absolutely fine, but he just didn’t want to budge atal. I ended up on that heartbeat monitor for 2 hours, when they sent me back out to the waiting room and finally at 6 o’clock I got told I was being kept in for monitoring. They gave me a room and someone came around to scan me, to check fluid etc, that’s when they told me the fluid around the baby just wasn’t as much as they would like, so they were going to just start me off.

I got given a sweep, I got told I was 2cm dilated and yet again got put back on the monitor and told that they would start the induction in an hour, they wanted to wait and see if the sweep would do anything. So after half an hour of being on the monitor a midwife came in and seen that I had been having contractions that I just couldn’t feel, so I was feeling pretty happy at this point. Half an hour later they checked to see if I had dilated anymore, and I was 3cms and they could break my waters, so that’s exactly what they did and I got took to the labour ward for this part. Getting my waters broke didn’t hurt atal, it was uncomfortable but it didn’t hurt in anyway.

It was 9:20 when I got my waters broke, and the contractions started hurting a bit more, and at half 10 I asked for some paractomal to take a bit of the pain away, obviously that didn’t work but I was adamant I didn’t want any other pain relief. I started feeling pretty sick at this point, and just not very good atal, I had been pretty quiet and not saying much, I just lay on the bed trying to control my breathing and keeping myself calm. At 12 o’clock I was not feeling good atal, I hadn’t been rechecked and I started getting a bit angry at the fact that the midwife hadn’t even checked up on me, and I had wanted of the monitor so I could go to the toilet because if you want the honest truth, I felt I needed a poo! My mum told me I couldn’t go to the toilet cause it would be the baby, and I told her no it’s not now let me go! So off I went to the toilet, I 100% did not need a poo btw, anyway while sitting on the toilet, I was sick all over the floor, just from the pain of the contractions, they made me sick it was horrible.

It was now coming up for 20 past 12 so my mum rung to tell them I had been sick all over the floor and I was feeling pressure, so my midwife took her long ass time bothering to even check me, by the time she did it was half 12, and she went oh your 10cms, I’m shocked you’ve barely made a sound. I politely told her to shut up as at this point I was enraged. She finally let me push, and that was a nightmare, I was lying on my back which I do not recommend btw, I was pushing and o could feel him move down but as soon as I stopped he would slide back up again, I was getting so upset by this point as I felt what I was doing wasn’t working. Pushing was 100% the worst part, I do not like pushing, I pushed for over 45 minutes before my sons heart kept dipping with every contraction, so at this point it was decided I would need an episiotomy, which hurt like hell btw! Omg the pain, probably didn’t help that as soon as she did that his head came flying out, but that was terrible honestly. One more push and he was finally out, oh and for pushing I got gas and air which didn’t really help much, it just made me feel like I was drunk. I had a small tear, but not small enough that I wouldn’t need stitches which sucked. So my waters got broke at 9pm, and that’s what kick started the contractions for me, and I gave birth at 1:15, apart from the end of it with the pushing, and the heartbeat dipping it was honestly a good labour!

I’m surprised I managed doing both my labours without more pain relief because I am not good with pain atal, and I’m not gonna lie at the end of this birth I did say give me the epidural now! I’m glad I didn’t receive it now though, but oh my, that’s one pain I’ll never forget⭐️


Tidy home is a happy home

That is of course if you don’t have 2 kids that wreck the place every 2 seconds. I have kind of developed some OCD in the past year since my battle with mental health, mess can make it harder for me to relax and I find myself on edge if the place is too messy. So I go around and tidy up, and before you know it it’s a mess again and I find myself staring at all the mess thinking why did I bother? I’m trying to stop myself getting so stressed with the mess, although that’s easier said than done though.

I usually tidy the mess up from the morning when the smallest child goes for a nap and the oldest will either do some colouring in or play a game to keep him busy while I run around and do a tidy up. And then the next tidy up won’t be until 6 when quiet time starts, I used to go around every half an hour but I realised I was just going around in circles and it was stressing me out more than anything. A good way to do it aswel though is involving the children, weirdly enough my 1 year old is better than this than the 5 year old, yes it takes a long time for her to pick a few things up and put into the correct box or bag, but she’s atleast trying. My 5 year old on the other hand, absolute nightmare and moans the whole time and your lucky if he will move 1 thing and he will think that’s all he needs to do. So yeah starting them from an early age, even just putting one toy away a day will hopefully help them see that to get another toy out they need to put the one they were just playing with away.

I try and do a deep clean every Thursday when I have an hour and a half without the kids, this also helps keep on top of things, I can honestly fill 2 black bags with rubbish every Thursday, I don’t know where it all comes from but if I find something and it’s no use to anybody it’s going away. During this hour and a half I’ll Hoover, sweep, mop, dust, get the bedsheets changed, go around the skirtings making sure they are all clean, that’s probably the job I hate the most! You don’t need to spend a lot of money on cleaning products, go to the pound shop grab some astonish cleaner for such a good price and your good to go!

Every 4 months or so, I’ll go into the toy boxes, see what rubbish has been chucked in there, and will also go into the cupboards in our rooms and empty them, my partner is terrible for chucking stuff in our cupboards and before you know it you’ve just got a whole lot of rubbish in the cupboards you don’t need nor want. Especially our clothes cupboard, I think he chucks more on the floor than he actually hangs up and it drives me mental, so gutting them out really makes my day. I’ll also gut the kitchen cupboards out aswel as they can get such a mess at times, I’ve got stuff in there that we’ve had for months and nobody even looks at. That’s probably my favourite thing to do, the kitchen cupboards!

The last thing that really frustrates me is laundry, washing, drying, ironing, putting away. It’s never ending isn’t it? I stay in Scotland and we don’t have the best drying weather, so I mostly have to have them on my heated clothes rail that is huge and bulky and I also don’t like that much just for the fact that it’s so big and I stay in a pretty small flat! I cannot put clothes away that have not been ironed, gives me anxiety, so usually they will sit in a huge pile until I get a second to iron which is usually once every 2-3 days.

The other room I dread doing is the bathroom, that is a rubbish job that is. I try to do that every 2 days with a deep clean and on the days it’s not getting a good clean I use my shower spray and get the wipes out just to go around the toilet and sink. I roughly spend half an hour on my deep clean days doing the bathroom, which is quite a long time to spend on one room when you need to concentrate on all the othe rooms aswel before the child wakes up. I feel you sort of get into a routine that works for your family, but on days when you don’t have as much energy it can be hard to get up and clean the house, but I like to stick some music on and get cleaning so I don’t let it all get too bad!

So eberybody ger yourself into a good routine and hopefully you can be quicker at it than me⭐️

Everything happens for a reason, right?

IMG_2803I believe everything happens for a reason, so when my sons dad cheated on me, as much as it hurt to know he did that to me while I stayed at home raising our son and he was out and about with his latest bit on the side, I honestly am glad it happened now. At the time though, I was a mess, I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just finish with me if he wanted to have someone else, if I wasn’t enough anymore why not just end it? Why make me look like a fool?

And surely the female, a mother herself, should of known better. I blame both of them, how is it fair on the person who doesn’t have a clue what’s going on? It’s not, if I got myself in a situation like that and feelings had become involved, I would tell the person before anything more serious happened, but I suppose not everyone thinks like that eh? Me personally, I wouldn’t want to get with someone that already had somebody else, the way I see it, is if he can cheat with you, he can cheat on you, and that’s exactly what he did. In a desperate attempt to stay relevant, and try and win him back I become this desperate fool, I even thought it was my fault he finished with me? Was it because I stopped wearing makeup? Didn’t do my hair everyday? I don’t know, all I know was I obviously wasn’t important anymore. I would text him, meet up with him behind her back, but that lasted only the first few days, and I realised I deserved better.

Little did I know, that by getting rid of him, the best man I could ever ask for would come back into my life, and treat me exactly how he always did, with love and respect. Me and my ex may share a child, and we have to get on for that reason, but really, I couldn’t be more glad to not have him in my life as my partner anymore, at the time though, I never seen it that way.

Love is a funny thing, I thought I couldn’t of loved anyone anymore than I loved my first child’s dad, but being treated how I have been by my partner, I’ve fell in love with that man more than I could even try to explain. So if you find yourself in a similar situation, don’t worry, honestly, I’m sure there will be someone out there better for you, and who won’t make you question your worth. A man who makes you feel like nothing, is not a man atal, that is a little boy, so go find yourself a real man and fall in love like never before⭐️

Why anxiety is hard to explain for me

IMG_2734.JPGI don’t want to say certain things without having people look at me like I’m crazy. I would phone my mum saying I can’t breath, and she would say but you are breathing, your breathing sounds fine. I knew I was obviously breathing, but it felt like I was struggling, like my airwaves had something stuck in them, like someone was trying to strangle me. That’s honestly how it felt, but my mum or partner didn’t understand that, they thought by telling me I was ok and I was breathing, that that was what I wanted to hear, when it wasn’t. I don’t know what I wanted exactly, but it wasn’t for them to tell me I was basically making up how I was feeling at that moment in time.

Even now I still struggle with this feeling like I can’t breath thing, even when I feel like I’m not anxious atal, it still happens. So then I question myself, like am I feeling anxious about something and I don’t even know it? What am I anxious for? Truth is, is I think I got so used to feeling a certain way, that I’m now struggling to stop doing the things that I ended up doing during the worst of my anxiety. I tense muscles I never even knew would be possible to tense, I can’t sit without tensing any muscles and it drives me crazy. And when I tell people this they just say just stop doing it? If it was that easy, I would just stop it, but I think I did the tensing my muscle thing to try and take my mind of my anxiety, and now it’s became a terrible habit that I just can’t stop, and I sometimes wonder if that’s because I’m scared if I do stop the anxiety will come back just as bad as it was and I can’t live like that again.

I know if I hadn’t went through this and somebody told me they felt they couldn’t breath, or any other anxiety symptoms that are out there I would probably do the usual, calm down, it’s fine, nothing’s wrong with you, your ok. Truth is, is that doesn’t help us, well it didn’t me anyway, that just made me get frustrated, I didn’t want to be told it was all in my head, because at the time it felt so very real. I think all I wanted was to tell someone how I felt, and for them to just stay with me while I went through it, while I paced the room, while I cried. Just knowing I had somebody around made it easier for me, so that when the panic attack ended, someone was with me to talk too.

Anxiety is so cruel and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but don’t suffer alone, you don’t have too. Even if you can’t talk to your family, or you just need someone you don’t know who you feel won’t judge you to talk too, you can feel free to message me on my Facebook page – motherhoodandmore or my instagram page – motherhoodandmore no judgement will be made by me⭐️

How about a good labour story?

I would of so loved to have been able to read positive happy birth stories when I was expecting, and I’m glad I can upload my experience with my second birth, it was perfect from start to finish. I went over my due date and was feeling so fed up, my midwife kept saying oh I think she will be early, was she hell. At 1 day overdue I went to the midwife expecting a sweep but got told no, it wasn’t my usual midwife and she just wasn’t listening when I told her I was told I was allowed my sweep when I last seen my own midwife. I left that appointment pretty fed up and just not wanting to be pregnant anymore.

Thankfully the next again day, I woke up at half 6, to light cramps that I can only describe as period pain, it wasn’t sore and it didn’t make me feel uncomfortable. I decided to run a bath, I told my partner I thought I was in labour but he didn’t care he just continued to sleep, so at 6:45 I’m running my bath and thought I better phone my mum just to tell her what’s going on as she was also my birthing partner. She said to phone when it got closer together, and I said that was fine as I was going in a bath anyway.

I never got the chance to get in that bath in the end, as I ended up crippled over in pain 10 minutes after coming off the phone to my mum, I had such bad back ache, that went round to the front of my stomach and they were lasting around 40-50 seconds and coming every 2 minutes, so I phoned my mum back and told her I was in so much pain already and I didn’t think I was going to be able to do this(I totally assumed I was still going to be in labour for hours and hours). She told me to wake Craig up and phone the triage, so at 7:10 I woke him up told him I’m in labour again and he needs to get up now. So he phoned the labour ward who asked when my pain first started, asked if it was my first baby totally assuming I was just over reacting and needed to calm down, she asked to be put on loud speaker so she could listen to me in pain better, and then realised that I wasn’t joking and this is serious. She told Craig to phone an ambulance and he would have to get me onto to the bed and grab towels because he may need to deliver this baby. 7:25 the ambulance gets to us, my mum also arrives at the same time, they check me to see if they can see anything before they try to get me to the hospital.

It took me 10 minutes to get down the stairs as the contractions just kept coming constantly, as soon as I got in the ambulance my waters broke, thankfully I’m not a long drive away from the hospital or we would of been screwed! I got given gas and air which honestly doesn’t help me atal, it just makes me feel incredibly sick. My body naturally just started pushing but I was trying to resist as I did not want to give birth without a midwife there. We finally got to the hospital at 7:45, time I got in and onto the bed in the labour ward it was 7:50, I was in so much pain it was unreal, I had a student midwife in with us, and she was lovely, as was my midwife I got who had just delivered another baby 10 minutes before I came in and was getting ready to finish her shift when I came in and she got asked to hang around as someone was coming in who was close to giving birth.

I pushed for 10 minutes, and my beautiful little girl was born at 8:00, I had a second degree tear that hurt like hell but honestly, after that birth I couldn’t complain. I was in kind of shock with how quick it went and I kept saying it’s going too quick this isn’t normal mum, I must of said that a good 20 times to anyone that would listen as I honestly thought I was going to get into the hospital and they were going to tell me I wasn’t ready to push atal and I would of been devastated!

Labour is so scary as you know bad stuff can happen, but honestly it’s best not to think about that stuff, I was the worst for overthinking and it gave me nothing but anxiety. Just try and stay positive in that situation, but it’s easier said than done when in so much pain isn’t it? ⭐️

When everyone else’s life looks perfect

You have to remember, that through social media you only have to show what you want to show. And you aren’t going to pick a picture of your toddler having a tantrum are you? Or when your in the middle of a panic attack, of course not, your going to pick the smiley pictures, that makes it look like everything is going perfect in your life and your kid never has a tantrum and you feel great and mental health doesn’t take over you.

I honestly believe if I didn’t publish on my instagram or Facebook how I’m feeling, nobody would of been able to guess. Until I felt comfortable with how I felt, and didn’t feel I would be judged, I uploaded one picture explaining everything that was going on in my life. I risked people leaving mean comments, saying I wasn’t fit to being a parent, but you know what? I got support, I had people message me saying they were going through the same, and honestly I would never of been able to tell.

I publish how I feel, because not everyone is so open with how they feel for the fear of being judged, so I hope that other people could read this, and be able to say that’s how I feel, and I’m glad to know I’m not alone, because your not. Someone out there will feel the way you feel, they just pick to not show it, or publish it for everybody to know. We could all easily write how amazing our life’s are, but come on, can everyday be a perfect day? More than likely, no. Some days are going to be more rubbish than others, nobody has a perfect life.

Slowly i feel mental health is being talked about more, which is so good, and celebrities are also speaking out more about how even them, who look like they have everything they could ever want, can be struck by mental health. It can happen to anyone, it doesn’t matter who you are, but all that matters is, is that you know your not alone. I believe that if your going through this, then you are strong enough too get through this. You can do anything you want to do, and everything you need too! Don’t ever struggle alone, speak out and get help, if anybody does judge you, just know that they are the ones with the problems, not you⭐️

How I found having 2 kids

So many people told me, 2 is easier than 1, and yes that may be true as they get older and can play together, but I didn’t find a newborn and a 4 year old easy atal. If anything I found it completely overwhelming, very stressful and it made me incredibly anxious. I always felt like I wasn’t spending enough time with my son, yet I wanted to give the baby the same amount of time my son got when he was a baby, but I just couldn’t do that this time around. The first time around it was just the 2 of us so all my attention could be on him, I only had to concentrate on him, so obviously the second time around was going to be different.

I think what I found most challenging was  not being able to take my eyes of the baby for 2 seconds, because my son loved to try and pick her up, or lie beside her but basically on top off her. He would give her little toys I would tell him time and time again she couldn’t have but he just wanted to play with her not realising that she couldn’t actually play yet and just wanted to eat everything she was handed. Eventually though as he got used to her and she got older it started to get easier, when she started crawling though he found it incredibly frustrating when she would come in his room and touch his things, now she’s walking he finds it even more annoying but he’s also realised that she now wants to get involved in things with him.

The bond they have developed now though is amazing, I love seeing them together, they are the sweetest little things. Now I can’t imagine even adding another one into the mix, I may pull my hair out, because if I thought 2 was hard, I can only imagine what 3 would be like at first. So no, having more than 1 child isn’t the easiest, but seeing your 2 kids love each other, be proud of one another, and playing together makes every single second of it all worth it.

Now just to decide if we add another, or if we end it all there, decisions decisions. I think I’ll leave it to whatever happens happens, if it’s meant to be, then it will happen, and if it’s not then it won’t, but secretly, I desperately would love just 1 more, and I’d pray my mental health didn’t go downhill again and next time I could enjoy every single minute⭐️

I still have bad days

IMG_2549.PNGThat’s the thing with depression and anxiety, sometimes you can feel perfectly fine, and other days all your hard work you’ve done feels like it’s been for nothing because then you have a day from hell. What I’ve been trying to do is find ways to stop myself from ever feeling that way, I did it before for 23 years so why can’t I do it now? Why is it so difficult for me to live a depression and anxiety free life now? Why isn’t this medication working perfectly for me? So many questions, that can’t be answered.

I know that most of the time, I bring on my anxiety myself, and I can’t help it. I think about things I know are going to make me anxious, and why? God knows, I wish I knew, I find myself trying to change the thoughts in my head, but some days that just never works. Like today for example, I started thinking about things that could go wrong when we went to the beach, why? Why couldn’t I just enjoy the day, the nice weather, and playing with the kids? One thing I’ve got pretty good at though is now showing how I’m feeling, nobody knows when I’m feeling anxious anymore unless I tell them, when before they would just need to look at me and know cause I no doubt would of been in tears.

I think what I’m trying to say is, is that somedays can be great, and you will feel like your old you, but if somedays you don’t always feel like that, it’s ok. Honestly, you can make the changes you need, hopefully you are better that it than me. Im home now and still anxious, and I find that’s because once the anxiety starts I can’t get it away, it’s like my body is just constantly in that fight or flight mode, that it’s forgot how to relax completely. I find myself sitting in bed at night, tensing my muscles, and that is because I just cannot relax. Before my medication I had the problem of not being able to sit still, now I can’t stop tensing all the time, I wouldn’t mind if it was giving me a nice stomach or legs, but really it does nothing for me.

What ive realised is, is that maybe I just need my medication upped, or maybe I need to go to behaviour therapy counselling, I need to learn my body better, why it does the things it does when I’m stressed/anxious. My body automatically does the tensing thing without me realising I’m actually doing it. Everybody will react differently due to stress, mine are horrible feelings but I’m praying one day, I can say, I’ve went a whole week without feeling anxious once, and then be able to move it on to a month, etc. So for now I’ll keep believing that that day will eventually come, and until then, I’ll keep battling along this road, this very bumpy road, but that doesn’t matter, I see good results in sight and I pray I can get to them⭐️⭐️⭐️

The ups and downs of breastfeeding

I love breastfeeding, mostly for the fact that it made the weight drop off me both times, I was back to my usual size 2 weeks after giving birth, that was enough to keep me happy! Not only that though, I love it for the bond, the cuddles, and just feeling like I’ve done something real good, every bit of weight they put on in the first six months was down to me, finally I feel I’ve done something good. It’s not always easy though, and don’t get my wrong I was so tempted to stop so many times. The nights when they would cluster feed and I’d get not a wink of sleep, getting thrush in my breast was not exactly fun either. The milk coming in and becoming so full they hurt too touch, and my least favourite one, not having the latch right and it feeling like they were going to suck the nipple right off.

Now both my kids had jaundice, which made them nightmare feeders at first, my daughters was that bad we ended up in hospital for a week back and forward everyday as she just wouldn’t wake up to feed, or when she did it was only for 5 minutes and that was her, so that made feeding with her very difficult. She didn’t latch on good for ages and I sat up crying most nights, that was the time I contemplated stopping the most, especially when I got told I’d have to substitute every second feed with formula. Thankfully though, after 3 weeks her jaundice levels lowered completely, and she started putting on weight again, but yeah I so very nearly gave up then. Little things like that are so stressful, and being stressed while trying to look after kids is not what your wanting.

I managed to breastfeed my son for 2 year, and if he had it his way it would of been longer than that, but I just felt enough was enough, I had did it longer than my main goal which was 12 month, so I was happy. I am currently still feeding my daughter, who is just over 1, and looks like she won’t be coming off anytime soon either. My son sucked his thumb, so that was his comfort, my daughters comfort unfortunately is my breast, she hated a dummy and doesn’t suck her thumb, so whenever she’s hurt she wants boob, tired, any emotion really that’s what she looks for. Which is fine but sometimes, I wish it was just a feed in the morning and a feed at night, as during the day just all feels a bit much.

You share your body for 9 month during pregnancy, and then if you breastfeed you go on to share it after that aswel, right now I’m at the stage of longing for my body back, yes I love breastfeeding, but it really is draining. It makes me tired, and she has started biting, so I sit in fear when feeding her in case she decides to sink her teeth into me. I never once had this problem with my son, he bit once got told no and never tried it again. My daughter on the other hand though, is one sassy princess and she does what she wants. I blame her dad for spoiling her, whatever the princess wants, the princess gets.

Will I breastfeed any other children I may have? More than likely, as it feels special to me, but what I will probably do different is try them with a bottle around 12 weeks, so that atleast dad can get involved with feeding aswel and it’s not always left to me. Every baby is different as I’ve experienced this time around, my son was a good feeder from the start near enough, and my daughter was terrible and has never got any better as she still wakes up during the night for milk, and still feeds during the day. I pray if I ever have another that that baby ends up like my son because I’m not sure I could cope with another child that doesn’t want to sleep through the night. Also, one other downside I’ve just remembered(as I’ve stood up and had a peek in the mirror) is that breastfeeding absolutely ruins your breasts, I don’t think I can even call mine breasts, they resemble scrambled eggs, they hang down to my knees near enough. Thanks breastfeeding, not that I wanted some nice boobs anyway.

Id recommend anyone thinking about breastfeeding to give it a go, even for a few days so if you can find out if it’s for you, if it’s not, no problem, atleast you know you tried! I honestly don’t believe the whole breast is best thing, obviously it’s good yeah, but surely just feeding your baby is the best thing for them?

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