So it was decided, for reasons that I cannot go into right now, that it was time to start coming off the one thing that’s been keeping me sane the past 8 month, the tablets that made everything seem just a title bit better. This has made me feel very anxious, and not very happy atal, it has also been decided that if I can’t cope without these tablets, that they will try to move me onto other ones.

Now that is not good, can you imagine needing tablets to make you feel happy, to make you not feel anxious every minute of the day? Why can’t I just be a human, who doesn’t need tablets to make my days a little brighter, I was fine before post natal depression took control over me, I was happy, was barely anxious and never had weird or unwanted thoughts, and not it seems that my mind will never be the same again. What has happened in the past year that has managed to ruin me so badly, how have I let this mental illness win? That’s what it feels like, like I have gave this illness the chance to ruin me as a person, to take control over me.

So far, I feel I am going to need to go onto another tablet, as I just don’t feel like me. I have never felt like the old me since this has took over me, but I 100% have felt somewhat like the old me since the tablets began to help, and I don’t want to lose what I’ve managed to get back. I want to say that it’s all gonna be good for me, and I can live a life without needing medication, but I just don’t think that’s going to be the case for me, I do however hope, that in time, I will be able to be on a low dose of tablets, and if that’s what I’m going to need to function, then I’m ok with that, I would rather be able to function and be the parent I want to be, than be back in that terrible state I found myself in this time last year.

What ive found is, it’s 100% ok to not be ok, life is hard, we go through things that test us, 2017 was meant to be a good year for me, but in march I lost my dad, and I am still relying on tablets for happiness. All I can do is try my best to not let this ruin me anymore, i am in charge of my life, and I will make my own happiness⭐️

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