I don’t want to say certain things without having people look at me like I’m crazy. I would phone my mum saying I can’t breath, and she would say but you are breathing, your breathing sounds fine. I knew I was obviously breathing, but it felt like I was struggling, like my airwaves had something stuck in them, like someone was trying to strangle me. That’s honestly how it felt, but my mum or partner didn’t understand that, they thought by telling me I was ok and I was breathing, that that was what I wanted to hear, when it wasn’t. I don’t know what I wanted exactly, but it wasn’t for them to tell me I was basically making up how I was feeling at that moment in time.
Even now I still struggle with this feeling like I can’t breath thing, even when I feel like I’m not anxious atal, it still happens. So then I question myself, like am I feeling anxious about something and I don’t even know it? What am I anxious for? Truth is, is I think I got so used to feeling a certain way, that I’m now struggling to stop doing the things that I ended up doing during the worst of my anxiety. I tense muscles I never even knew would be possible to tense, I can’t sit without tensing any muscles and it drives me crazy. And when I tell people this they just say just stop doing it? If it was that easy, I would just stop it, but I think I did the tensing my muscle thing to try and take my mind of my anxiety, and now it’s became a terrible habit that I just can’t stop, and I sometimes wonder if that’s because I’m scared if I do stop the anxiety will come back just as bad as it was and I can’t live like that again.
I know if I hadn’t went through this and somebody told me they felt they couldn’t breath, or any other anxiety symptoms that are out there I would probably do the usual, calm down, it’s fine, nothing’s wrong with you, your ok. Truth is, is that doesn’t help us, well it didn’t me anyway, that just made me get frustrated, I didn’t want to be told it was all in my head, because at the time it felt so very real. I think all I wanted was to tell someone how I felt, and for them to just stay with me while I went through it, while I paced the room, while I cried. Just knowing I had somebody around made it easier for me, so that when the panic attack ended, someone was with me to talk too.
Anxiety is so cruel and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but don’t suffer alone, you don’t have too. Even if you can’t talk to your family, or you just need someone you don’t know who you feel won’t judge you to talk too, you can feel free to message me on my Facebook page – motherhoodandmore or my instagram page – motherhoodandmore no judgement will be made by me