IMG_2549.PNGThat’s the thing with depression and anxiety, sometimes you can feel perfectly fine, and other days all your hard work you’ve done feels like it’s been for nothing because then you have a day from hell. What I’ve been trying to do is find ways to stop myself from ever feeling that way, I did it before for 23 years so why can’t I do it now? Why is it so difficult for me to live a depression and anxiety free life now? Why isn’t this medication working perfectly for me? So many questions, that can’t be answered.

I know that most of the time, I bring on my anxiety myself, and I can’t help it. I think about things I know are going to make me anxious, and why? God knows, I wish I knew, I find myself trying to change the thoughts in my head, but some days that just never works. Like today for example, I started thinking about things that could go wrong when we went to the beach, why? Why couldn’t I just enjoy the day, the nice weather, and playing with the kids? One thing I’ve got pretty good at though is now showing how I’m feeling, nobody knows when I’m feeling anxious anymore unless I tell them, when before they would just need to look at me and know cause I no doubt would of been in tears.

I think what I’m trying to say is, is that somedays can be great, and you will feel like your old you, but if somedays you don’t always feel like that, it’s ok. Honestly, you can make the changes you need, hopefully you are better that it than me. Im home now and still anxious, and I find that’s because once the anxiety starts I can’t get it away, it’s like my body is just constantly in that fight or flight mode, that it’s forgot how to relax completely. I find myself sitting in bed at night, tensing my muscles, and that is because I just cannot relax. Before my medication I had the problem of not being able to sit still, now I can’t stop tensing all the time, I wouldn’t mind if it was giving me a nice stomach or legs, but really it does nothing for me.

What ive realised is, is that maybe I just need my medication upped, or maybe I need to go to behaviour therapy counselling, I need to learn my body better, why it does the things it does when I’m stressed/anxious. My body automatically does the tensing thing without me realising I’m actually doing it. Everybody will react differently due to stress, mine are horrible feelings but I’m praying one day, I can say, I’ve went a whole week without feeling anxious once, and then be able to move it on to a month, etc. So for now I’ll keep believing that that day will eventually come, and until then, I’ll keep battling along this road, this very bumpy road, but that doesn’t matter, I see good results in sight and I pray I can get to them⭐️⭐️⭐️

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